I’m a strong woman, with strong opinions, and I do what I want, for myself.
Though I’m not proud to admit it, I’m selfish. But WOW, how a baby changes that. I’m no longer able to put myself before others because Jameson is everything to me. And still, there are times when all I want to do is sit in pajamas all day, drink wine, and not take care of a little human. And when your daughter is crying, because she wants you to hold her, in no reality is it okay to ignore her, even if you want to. You have to comfort her, because she depends on you, and because you love her, despite how the selfish side of you wants to respond.
To some, unwashed bottles in the sink, spit-up splotches on the floor, burp cloths thrown into a bin, and diapers put on the wrong way are perfectly unwavering situations. However, for myself, these are the things that push my buttons, dig under my skin, and make me agitated with immediacy. My Type-A tendencies directly affect the relationship I have with my husband. He’s a saint and I know it. But I often don’t tell him. And I can tell it affects him.
One thing is for certain: God bless stay-at-home moms.
I could never stay at home. I’m just not cut out for that type of patience!
Even still, my career has drastically been affected by motherhood. Before having babies, I would work late nights and be okay putting in hours on the weekend. Because of the fast paced, client-facing environment in which I work, a 9-5 just doesn’t exist. Now, however, I feel a constant pressure to prove myself; to prove that I can be just as effective working from home if need be, as one example. I’ve also had to be more efficient at time management because I just can’t stay at the office later than 5pm when daycare closes at 6. I just can’t.
I appreciate working moms more than ever.
And I certainly acknowledge that I did not give mothers the credit they deserved when I was still childless. Unless you’re a mother, you just can’t relate to the hardships of juggling parenthood when you are a career woman who wants to continue to excel and lead.
People comment that I do too much, I try too hard, and I need to slow down.
But I disagree. It’s incredibly easy to succumb to routine. The sleep deprivation and lack of flexibility are powers that will easily enable you to remain static: you to wake up, take the baby to daycare, go to work, leave work, pick up the baby from daycare, make dinner, put the baby to bed, and do it all again the next day. But, routines such as these are exactly what inspire me to do more.
Upon moving to Denver (from San Francisco) when my daughter was 4 months old, to join a new and very demanding company, I decided to become a cycle instructor on the side. Not only did my friends question my decisions but even my husband doubted that my choices were the right path for our family. This angered me. It infuriated me. I felt as though I was being told to be a mom, to stay at home, not to do more than I should. Fast forward a few months and I’ve proven that I can do it all while also being a great mom and a great wife. And you better believe I have even more plans for the future. Complacent is what I never want to be.
I guess this is my way of saying motherhood has inspired me to break societal molds, stereotypes, and expectations that others have as well as those I have myself. I see my daughter grow, learn, laugh, love, and it makes me want to give her the best world I can.
Motherhood has taught me so much.
I’m a good mom.
I’m terrified of loneliness.
I can achieve more than I think.
I have feelings (and hormones) I didn’t know existed.
I have so many opinions.
Motherhood is hard. Very hard. And it’s a different experience for everyone. You will cry, you will feel guilt, you will doubt yourself…. And you will come out of it alive, and stronger. You need a tribe. And…wine.